i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
