I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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