I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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