dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I want to fling myself into the sun
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
