Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
