I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
