You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize