My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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