btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize