I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
