i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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