Someone shit on the floor
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
