Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
