Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize