Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
