having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
