i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
