I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize