ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
