i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
