Sponge bath it is.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She told me I should be a condom model.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
