Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
