i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm too high and old for this...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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