Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
