Betty ford says i'm here all night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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