Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
