hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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