Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
