I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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