In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
