I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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