the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
