Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
