Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
so much tequila, so little girl.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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