I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
