we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
