You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Shame - the story of my life.
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