You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
