He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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