'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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