I met the friendliest cop last night
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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