Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
