Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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