Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize