Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
