The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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