I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
