I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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