you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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