I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize