Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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