please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
