I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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