I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
