I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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