gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
