I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
