my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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