I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
