Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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