So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
