If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
