just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
