i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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