Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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